Harry Potter meets Indiana Jones
by Raptorshogun
Summary: The first chapter is too boring, so don't read it. For the rest of the story, beware of extreme insanity. Flames, please.
1. Default Chapter

ON THE TRAIN TO HOGWARTS  
  
Harry Potter was bored. No matter how many times he played wizard chess, he just couldn't beat Ron.  
  
*Ron: Of course he couldn't.  
  
Harry: Shut up, Ron.*  
  
"Well, win number 9999999999999999999999. Only one more win to beat the international record!" said Ron. "Whatever. Who do you think the new Defense Against The Dark Arts teacher is going to be?" asked Harry. Suddenly, the door swung open. "Ah, Potty and the weasel," said Draco Malfoy, the stupid vile (BLEEP) that sits around on his big fat arse and yells unoriginal insults that he's used already at people.  
  
*Draco: What the-  
  
Hermione: NO SWEARING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Crabbe and Goyle, whose IQs had risen to .0000000000000000000001 put together, looked confused, then laughed. Harry calmly took out his wand. "Murus penotratus!" yelled Harry. Draco, Crabbe, and Goyle were sent through the wall. Then, a hatch in the ceiling came open and a man tumbled out. He was probably a muggle since he didn't wear robes. He wore a leather jacket, a leather fedora, boots, and khakis. "Sorry to drop in at a time like this," said the muggle, "But look at what was chasing me!" Through the hatch came a tall, cloaked figure whose only visible part was a hand with rotted, scabbed skin. Harry thought only one word,"Dementor." Harry took out his wand again and said, "Expecto Patronum!" A stag came out of his wand and ate one of Fred and George's "Farting Frogs" Instead of charging at the dementor, the silver stag turned around and farted, killing the dementor instantly.*  
  
Fred: Our new prototype.  
  
George: A sickle a box.  
  
*"Thanks…. I guess. What's your name?" asked the muggle. "Harry, Harry Potter," said Harry. "I'm Indiana Jones," he replied.  
  
*Everyone: Oh, how original.*  
  
END OF CHAPTER ONE  
  
Author's Note: Like it? Hate it? Don't give a rat's arse about it? Just review or I kill you. I kill you! *grabs nasty-looking katana and grins evilly* 


	2. The Crazier chapter

Author's note: This chapter might get crazier, so prepare for severe brain rot.  
  
HOGWARTS  
  
After the weird train ride, Harry didn't think there was anything crazier. Then, he and Ron came into the great hall. The floating candles were a grotesque pink color, and so were the banners for the houses. But even a nastier shock than that was that a Mary Sue was at the staff table!  
  
*Everyone: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! MARY SUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Suddenly, the sorting hat sang a tune, but it had nothing to do with the founders. Furthermore, it was about the night the Potters died.  
  
"Bye, Bye, Mr. Voldemort guy  
  
Your were evil but too stupid  
  
And for that you did fry  
  
Now you are mostly dead  
  
And we constantly cry  
  
That finally the Dark Lord has died  
  
Finally the Dark Lord has d-"  
  
"ENOUGH!!!" roared Dumbledore, "This is all the Mary Sue's fault!" "Me?" asked the Mary Sue in a sickeningly cute-and-innocent "Who, me?" voice, "I only teach Defense Against the Dark Arts!"  
  
*Harry: Mary Sue teaching? Usually she's a student.  
  
Ron, Hermione: Yep.*  
  
Before anyone tried to do anything, Indiana Jones broke through the ceiling, while cool theme music played. "Eat this, _____!" he shouted, while grabbing a huge machine gun and blasting Mary Sue through the head multiple times. The Mary Sue wailed, and crumpled in a pitiful and sickening heap. "Tell-Tell Britney Spears she's a _____…." She said, before dying. "Thanks!" said everyone. "Don't mention it," said Indy, before walking away.*  
  
Harry, Ron, Fred and George: I'm starting to like this guy…  
  
*END OF CHAPTER TWO  
  
Author's note: What do you think about it? Better? Worse? Still don't give Scabbers's arse about it? Review, or I will REALLY kill you this time. 


	3. A Very (BLEEP)y Third Chapter

Author's note: Hey! I finished the third chapter, as you can see.  
  
Anyway, I'll be changing this to script form. Put down that bazooka!!! Argh!!!!! *dies*  
  
ONCE AGAIN, HOGWARTS  
  
Harry: Hermione, what the (BLEEP) is the password?  
  
Hermione: You just said it.  
  
Harry: What?  
  
Hermione: (BLEEP).  
  
Harry: (BLEEP)?  
  
Hermione: (BLEEP).  
  
Harry: (BLEEP)?  
  
Hermione, Ron: (BLEEP).  
  
Harry: (BLEEP)?  
  
Hermione: Yes.  
  
Harry: Whatever.  
  
*Hermione: AHHHHHH! SWEARING!!!!!!! (faints)*  
  
THE NEXT MORNING  
  
Harry: Who the (BLEEP) stole my (BLEEP)in' pumpkin juice?  
  
Hermione: Language, language.  
  
Harry: But this story is censored!  
  
Ron: But an insane author is typing this story!  
  
Harry: Oh yeah…  
  
Mary Sue: Ha! I'm still alive!  
  
*Everyone: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*  
  
Then, for no reason other than the insane author, the story changed back to its original format and a gigantic Christmas tree fell on Mary Sue.  
  
*Everyone: Yay!*  
  
"I'm… okay!" said the muffled voice of Mary Sue. As if on cue, an extremely large and heavy christmas ornament fell through the branches and landed on top of a severely-mangled-but-alive Mary Sue ("Oh (BLEEP) that hurt!"). For some reason, Voldemort decided to drop in at that exact same time. "Voldemort? How the (BLEEP) did you get here?" asked Harry. "Plot hole," replied Voldemort, "This story's full of them." Then, for the same reason Voldemort was there, Indiana Jones dropped through the ceiling, creating yet another hole in the roof. The author decided to go have lunch, creating one of the biggest damn cliffhangers in the known universe.  
  
* Hermione: I hate prominently featured profanities.  
  
Ron: Me too…  
  
Harry: Aw, come on. You're just sucking up to her because you have a crush on her, right?  
  
Ron: Yep.*  
  
END OF CHAPTER 3  
  
A/N: Review, damn you!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
A/N#2: I'm sorry for the insults and the death threats, but please please review! 


	4. The End (I think.)

Author's note: I think this is the last chapter… and the shortest.  
  
HOGWARTS, GREAT HALL  
  
"Okay," said Voldemort, "Time for the final battle." This was followed by several chairs flying through the air. Suddenly, Draco Malfoy appeared in skintight leather. All the guys barfed and all the Slytherin girls fainted.  
  
*Draco: (sobs) But-but I look good in skintight leather… WAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry, Ron: Shut up you crybaby.*  
  
"That is just sick," said Indy, taking out a submachine gun and blasting Draco to bits. "Woohoo!" yelled all the Gryffindors. "Did you get a picture of it, Colin? If you did, give it to me to hang on my wall!" said Harry excitedly. "No way! It's mine!" yelled Ron. Mad-Eye Moody then came to save them, but he "Avada Kedavra'd" his own shadow. Indy chose that moment to use the submachine gun on Voldemort, therefore pretty much ending the story.  
  
*Everyone but Draco: YAY!!!! NO MORE VOLDEMORT!!!!!!!  
  
Draco: NOOOO! Uncle Voldie!*  
  
THE END (I HOPE)  
  
A/N: I think this is the last chapter. *everyone cheers* Might send some more stories, though. *everyone groans* 


	5. The really short and stupid epilogue.

Epilogue: Harry, Ron, and Hermione had a great rest of the year, mostly because Indiana Jones had caused so much panic that Snape had a heart attack and all of the other teachers had gone on strike. And then it was summer again. Harry left the train and headed for the Dursleys' car. They never noticed two slight differences, 1.The fedora. 1.The extra piece of luggage he had, which looked a lot like a machine gun. 


End file.
